(EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re presenting you with a story published this week in the Winfield High School Oracle. It’s about Matthew Conklin, a teenager who attempted suicide this past winter.
NewsCow reported on the incident when it occurred but opted not to name Conklin at the time.
The writer, Jacob Rude, is a friend of Conklin’s and approached him about doing a story. Conklin is attending school in Goddard but plans to return to Winfield in the fall for his senior year.
Oracle editor Ashley Anglemyer says the Conklin story was developed over the past several weeks after Rude pitched the idea. Conklin’s parents have been involved in the process and approved the story you see below.
Anglemyer says that as editor this year she’s has been attempting to present compelling stories that directly impact high school readers. NewsCow is supportive of such efforts and finds this story to be a great example that the most compelling stories come when writers and editors give regular people a forum to share their thoughts and perspective.
Our appreciation goes out to writer Jacob Rude and those who helped develop the story, including Ashley Anglemyer, Robert Weinert and newspaper adviser, Angela Carter. Thank you for allowing NewsCow to share the report with its readers.
Some of the language and description below is mildly graphic. Sensitive readers should take this into consideration.)
————————————————————–
"The hardest part was pulling back the hammer. Hearing it make the noise, click, click, click, I knew there was no turning back. I had it shoved into my chest against my heart. Then I pulled the trigger."
Matthew Conklin is a regular 17-year-old high school student. He enjoys hanging out with friends, playing golf, and sporting Ralph Lauren apparel.
Four months ago, he became the most talked-about student at Winfield High School. Everyone knows some part or variation of the story, but what is the actual story?
This is it: the truth.
"This is to clear up any misconceptions about what people think and to get the truth, the whole story, out there. There is nothing that I can leave out," Conklin says.
On December 14, Conklin shot himself in the chest with a 22-caliber pistol. Students were in shock when they heard the news and rumors started to arise about why he did it.
"I didn’t get much sleep the night before. It’s not a good feeling going to bed at night knowing what you are going to do the next morning; knowing what I was going to do. I woke up around 6:30 like I usually do. I had everything I was going to do already planned out. I did everything normal; I did all my routines because I wanted to experience them one last time, and I even went out and started my car, even though it was pointless. Then my parents left and my little brother went to school. That’s when I went and got the 22 revolver."
Conklin had met a girl in October while eating after a school activity. She gave him her number, but he went home thinking that she was nothing special. Communication ensued over the next few weeks through text messages and Facebook.
"I texted her a lot and whatever, I hadn’t had a Facebook before her and I got one just so I could talk to her. We didn’t go to the same school, so it was kind of like a retreat, talking to someone that you don’t see every day. I felt like I got to know her and I told her some personal stuff," Conklin says. "I tried to pursue things and develop it into something more but she was just leading me on the whole time. I had developed this illusion that she was perfect. I hadn’t met her in person except that one time and that was a factor in me putting her on a pedestal, which is what I did. She didn’t want to be in a relationship with me."
Over the next month Conklin had a very difficult time dealing with this. He became less and less social with his usual group of friends.
"I felt like I had no one to talk to; I somewhat tried with my friends but not really. Whenever I spoke about her I was joking and acting like it was no big deal. I felt that my world had collapsed because I put this girl on a pedestal and had this great misconception of her and she shattered all of that," he says.
These events culminated with Matt Conklin’s decision to attempt suicide.
"I hadn’t shot that particular gun in a few years so I sat there with one bullet. I wanted to make sure it actually went off. If I pulled the trigger and it didn’t go off I would have been like, ?what the French toast.’ I was in front of the computer. I was looking at her pictures and was all sad. It is not a good feeling at all thinking that you are never going to see anyone again. I posted a Facebook status update at 7:44 a.m. that said ?The time has come.’"
"It was like a huge punch to the chest. I didn’t feel it right away because I was in shock. I fell to my knees and slouched over onto the ground. It hurt a lot. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. I can still smell the gunpowder. The bullet didn’t hit my heart; it went into my lung and collapsed it. The most pain came from trying to breathe, my chest felt so heavy. I looked down at the wound and it was just a black charred shirt. It was gurgling blood and liquid. I called 911 for the sole reason that I wanted to talk to that girl again. I could barely talk on the phone. She was asking all of these questions like what my address was and it was freaking annoying! I could hear the ambulance coming and it felt like forever, sitting there thinking you are going to die. They kicked the door in, which I thought was unnecessary. They took me to Wesley in Wichita. I knew that my life had changed; I was never going to be just a normal person again."
Conklin still hasn’t talked to the girl since then and it was not from a lack of trying. She just feels that it would be too uncomfortable to talk to him again.
"It’s kind of like an emptiness, you know that something saved your life but?," Conklin says.
Conklin was in the hospital recovering for two to three weeks.
Once he was released he moved in with his aunt in Wichita. He started attending Goddard High School at the beginning of spring semester. His main reason for leaving is to get away from all of the looks and stares he gets in Winfield.
"I regret what I did a lot. I put the girl on a pedestal and blew everything out of proportion. I was just a dumbass about the whole situation," he says. "I have a scar on my side, it’s still tender and hurts when I move wrong. It’ll heal over time."
Conklin was not the only person greatly affected: friends, relatives, and most importantly his immediate family suffered from his actions.
"I feel real bad for my family because they have to live with this too, especially my parents. That is my major regret," he says.
Conklin has chosen to take a positive outlook on his situation. He thinks that there are a lot of good things that have come of this.
"I have just been doing stuff to keep me busy; the best thing for me is to keep my mind off of it and stay busy. If other people were thinking about trying to kill themselves I would tell them to talk about it with someone. I felt that I had nobody but I did. They could talk to me or their parents; they just need to talk to somebody, anybody," he says.
For anyone who is having suicidal thoughts, there are ways to get help. You are not alone even if you might think so. Friends, parents, and teachers are here to talk to. There is even a National Suicide Prevention Hotline (800) 273-8255 with people ready to listen.
Conklin is meeting new people and has a job now at the Wichita Country Club as a Golf Pro’s assistant. He plans on returning to WHS for his senior year. He wants to finish out his high school years with his friends and family.
"The most important lesson that I have learned is that you can’t make your whole life about one person, because if you do then you end up losing who you really are and become something you never expected to be."
